Your story is a tool. It doesn't define you.

"Stories matter. Many stories matter. Stories have been used to dispossess and to malign, but stories can also be used to empower and to humanize. Stories can break the dignity of a people, but stories can also repair that broken dignity." - Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Let’s talk about the power of your story, and more importantly, let’s talk about what happens when you choose to no longer identify with it.

Before we jump in, here’s a version of my story in 8 bullet points (this is J): 

• I grew up in a violent home.
• I’ve lived in a shelter for survivors of domestic violence.
• My father spent 9 years in prison during my childhood.
• My mother danced with alcoholism for even longer.
• I’ve experienced homelessness and moved out when I was 15.
• I attended the University of Southern California and graduated with honors despite dealing with untreated depression.
• I worked for a tech unicorn that was eventually bought by Google for over 2 billion dollars.
• I’ve lived in a trauma and addiction treatment facility.

As always, there’s more to the story, but notice how much the negative outweighs the positive. In this case, it’s a 1:4 ratio of “positive” vs. “negative” events. 

This is human nature. This is our negativity bias in action. 

Roy F. Baumeister, co-author of The Power of Bad says, “most of the research shows that bad things have about two, three, or four times as much impact as good things,” so negative experiences tend to take up a whole lot more mental real estate. And when those negative experiences are part of our story, we tend to identify with these “bad things” because they leave such a lasting impression.

But what if I told you that you could turn your story into your superpower by no longer identifying with it - the good or the bad?

"I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become." - Carl Jung

Let’s dive in.

What we’re talking about is an aspect of personal transformation - it’s the experience of shedding, the letting go of, the dying to the idea of who you understand yourself to be so you can make room for something more aligned with your truest nature: an imperfectly perfect human being worthy of love and acceptance.

In retrospect, the journey of personal transformation is often profound. It’s as if we can look back at landmarks and smile at what feels like divine guidance through times of tumult and uncertainty - that conversation with a stranger, the perfectly timed opportunity, the gift from a friend: all gusts of wind filling our sails and giving us direction while we navigate the seas of our lives.

But when immersed in the moment of change, the storms seem unrelenting, the sunshine seems a distant memory and the only thing we can do is to breathe deeply and have faith that we’ll find relief at some point, somewhere over “there.”

Sadness. Anger. Grief. Confusion. Regret. Guilt. Shame.

Just a few emotions we might experience during a season of metamorphosis, and when the emotional charge is strong enough, we might even identify with this story - we might wear it as a badge of honor and allow for it to inform our actions, our beliefs, our identity.

But. 

That’s. 

Not. 

You.

Look, I get it. 

Our stories define us; they shape our perceptions, guide our actions, and weave the fabric of our identities. But what I’m arguing is this: instead of being the anchors of our existence, our stories are merely vessels for connection, stepping stones on the path to profound change.

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be." - Lao Tzu

The Power of Storytelling: Connecting Through Narratives

Stories are bridges that connect us. They provide a shared language through which we communicate our joys, sorrows, triumphs, and tribulations. In sharing our stories, we forge connections with others, finding solace in our shared humanity. Our stories serve as mirrors, reflecting back to us the essence of who we are and illuminating the paths we've traveled.

Yet, as comforting as our stories may be, they can also confine us. We become entrenched in narratives that no longer serve us, clinging to identities that restrict our growth. It is here that the journey of true transformation begins.

The Journey of Self-Transcendence: Embracing the Death of the Story

To truly transform, we must be willing to let go of our stories, to die to the versions of ourselves that we have outgrown. This requires a profound act of courage and vulnerability, a willingness to embrace the unknown and surrender to the process of becoming.

In the death of the story lies the seed of rebirth. As we shed the layers of our old selves, we make space for new growth, new possibilities, and new ways of being. It is a process of continual renewal, a cycle of death and rebirth that propels us ever forward on the path of self-discovery.

And, in my experience, there are 2 tools that have been most impactful in allowing me to let go of my story.

1. Asking this question: What is the medicine in this experience? In other words, what is this experience here to teach me? And once that lesson becomes integrated and the principles have become embodied, the question becomes: How can this experience teach someone else?

2. Breathwork. Sometimes, the emotional charge of our experiences is so strong that it can live in our bodies long after the event. Breathwork has given me a non-verbal, full body practice of releasing, dying to and letting go of the stories that once governed my existence.

The Call to Transformation: Embracing the Journey

The call to transformation beckons to each of us, whispering of the infinite potential that lies dormant within. It is a call to release the grip of our stories, to step boldly into the unknown, and to embrace the ever-unfolding mystery of our existence.

Here's a revised version of my story informed by the principles shared in this letter to you:

• I'm a father and husband building a peaceful home filled with children who understand resilience.
• I understand emotional regulation and healthy forms of self-expression.
• I'm a child of the world; I have many fathers, mentors and guides who've blessed me along the way.
• Substances can be a tool for self-destruction or self-transformation. I choose.
• Home is not defined by the walls in which I reside. Home is this planet, and my family is 8 billion strong.
• I'm an advocate for education of every persuasion as well as an advocate for fundamental wellbeing.
• Opportunities come to those who show up, ask for help, express gratitude and remain humble.
• I am no better and no worse than anyone. The divine exists in everything.

So, dear friend, I leave you with this invitation: Dare to die to your story, to surrender to the fires of transformation, and to emerge, again and again, as a new version of yourself. For it is in the willingness to let go that we find the truest freedom, and it is in the embrace of the unknown that we discover the fullness of our being.

(‘toll road ahead.’)

like many travelers

i’ve paid many tolls

yet i knew

i was on the road to freedom

when this one cost me 

not less than everything

Until next time, may your journey be one of continual renewal and profound self-discovery.

All love,

J + The BRT Stu